Health

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Insomnia… Another Fun Effect of Bipolar Disorder (but things could be worse)

never ask

Insomnia sucks. Last night I managed to get five hours of sleep and I woke feeling better than I have in weeks. That’s because for the last few weeks I’ve been experiencing insomnia to such a degree that I’m lucky if I get two or three hours of sleep. So, a full five hours felt pretty good. I go in cycles with insomnia. I know it has to do with the whole bipolar BS. The insomnia always comes when the depression is at its worst and it comes again when what I call the energy phase is peaking and lasts right through the rage phase. No amount of breath-counting or meditation works. The only thing that helps is being alone. If there are other people around I can’t sleep at all. What’s worse is that the lack of sleep makes everything seem worse and makes me feel physically bad as

I Really Need To Get Out Of Texas For Good!

Texas sucks

I’m 51 years old and I’ve been noticing a dramatic change in my thinking of late. I have become obsessed with how I want to spend the rest of my life, I find regret haunting me relentlessly, and my priorities have definitely changed. I don’t think it’s a midlife crisis for two reasons… the first being it’s a little late for that and the second being that I don’t find myself wanting to buy a fancy new car or wishing for a younger woman. I simply want to make some changes in my life that will make me a happier and better person. Finding a way back to New Mexico and staying there is my priority. As for the regret that has been relentlessly haunting me, well, there’s nothing to be done about that. On the minuscule and incredibly remote chance that the person involved in that particular regret ever

The Truth May Set You Free, But It Can Break Your Heart Too

Betrayal

I recently learned, in the most painful of ways, to be wary of recording devices such as a helmet camera that have been acting buggy. My helmet cam has for some time been turning on with movement, wasting both battery and space on memory. Other times, when I try to turn it on it won’t turn on. Recently I stopped by to visit some people who were very dear to me. I not only loved them but trusted them… something that does not come easily for me. When I arrived I removed all my riding gear, including the helmet with the camera just mentioned. When I set it down on a piece of furniture the camera evidently turned itself on again. I had even checked it to make sure it wasn’t on and I didn’t see the little blinking light that indicates it is recording. But it was. We talked

An Open Letter To Counselors And Therapists Everywhere

Mental Health

If you’re wanting or already beginning a career in counseling (as in therapist, counselor, psychiatrist, psychologist, etc) please examine yourself first as well as your motivations. If you can’t find even basic compassion within yourself for individuals who do not fit into your personal idea of what a “good” person should be, such as sharing your personal religious views, political views, views regarding social norms,… basically your own personal worldview then please choose another career. Seriously. For the best interest of everyone involved, if you can’t find compassion within yourself for those who hold vastly different views than yourself, you have no business in the mental health field.
 
A Very Bad Experience
I say this because of a recent experience with a “counselor”. When you feel worse about things after the session than you did before it and that bad feeling and low mood persists for days because of the session then

Riding Off Into A New Life

I just wrote about the American Dream being a lie and listed a number of things that I see as proof of this. But now I’ve just really had enough of the bullsh*t. I’m in the process of gathering only the belongings I need (instead of just want) and prepping my bike to just take off. Yep, I’m talking about just taking off and going wherever the hell I want to. When I get there I’ll know. When I get tired of that place I’ll leave. No more contracts for me. No more chasing after things. I’m all about freedom and experiences now. I’ve tried the whole American Dream thing and I’ve found that not only is it a huge lie, but it’s shallow… empty. It’s left me angry (as you can probably tell by some of the rants I’ve posted). I’m tired of being angry. It’s toxic. I already

The American Dream is a Lie

It’s more than clear that the so-called “American Dream” is a lie. That has been clear for decades now and I’ll elaborate on that in this post. But here’s something a lot of people don’t seem to know… the American Dream has never been real. Take a trip around the United States, seeing what you’ll never see on the nightly news, particularly Reservations where Native Americans still live in abject poverty, a people “conquered” in their own country. Then there are the “ghettos”, “slums”, and “barrios” where America keeps and contains the poor and downtrodden. Then there is the horrendous conditions of the people living so far below the poverty line that they don’t even register on it in Appalachia mountains, certain places in Alabama, Kentucky, and Tennessee. In short, the poor and downtrodden are all over the United States. Starvation, preventable diseases, and hopelessness are right here, right in

Cherish Every Moment (before some asshole ruins them)

Betrayal

Sometimes life just slaps you right in the face and before you can even figure that out it kicks you in the teeth. Because of a doctor’s carelessness and negligence my aunt is on life support. The doctor is in serious trouble with the hospital but even worse trouble when my cousins slap him with a lawsuit filled with multiple complaints. But his life will go on. My aunt on the other hand, well, it’s not looking very promising. Then a few days ago another cousin was rushed to the ER with suspected meningitis. She went into septic shock and actually survived that with the help of some extremely talented and knowledgeable doctors and nurses. She is still in the hospital and doctors are still calling her “septic” but she is showing signs of improvement. Meningitis tests came back negative but the septicemia is/was serious enough by far.
Both of these

Anxiety is Hell

I am frequently reminded, and astounded, of and by the power of the mind. In some of my posts I’ve touched on this subject, but not too much because it’s something that isn’t easy to post for the entire world to read. Stress and anxiety. It is truly astounding how devastating these things are. Especially for someone with any type of anxiety disorder, whether that be OCD, GAD, Panic Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, or any other. When these things get out of control one becomes paralyzed with the all-consuming dread and extremely intense fear or even full out panic attacks. You simply can’t function. If you don’t have a way to control it it only gets worse, not better.
I’ve been dealing with this for the last month and it has been hell. Although usually always present to some degree or another I usually have it under control. But sometimes

A Rare Moment Of Clarity

Ever had one of those really profound “Aha!” moments? A moment of such clarity that it simply smashes through all the mundane and exact duplicate days before it? I recently had such a moment. It was so many things simultaneously… shock, anger, surprise, and a completely new determination and strength of will. The shock was from suddenly seeing so clearly why I am where I am right now. All the decisions based completely and utterly on trying to please other people. Every decision, all of them, based on only the desire to keep the peace and not mess with the status quo. The anger came from that realization. That the reason I’ve been through all the shit I’ve been through is because for all these years I didn’t have the balls to actually do what is necessary to actually improve my life because that would mean destroying the status quo,

Stress Really Does Make You Sick (it kicked my ass for a while)

Lesson learned. Don’t allow stress to overwhelm you. After almost three weeks of not knowing what was going on with me, feeling unwell, feeling tired and weak, unable to sleep well (or at all some nights), appetite changes, palpitations and so on I’m now finally feeling better and have an understanding of what had happened to me. I was completely overwhelmed by stress to the point that it was making me physically ill. I even went for a ride today after almost three weeks out of the saddle. It was amazing and reminded me of all the reasons I ride a motorcycle and don’t even own a car.
I am fortunate in that I am able to work from home, but even with that I wasn’t able to get much done. I also managed to write a few posts to this blog, but the whole experience was terrible. A silver lining,