Depression and Rage: My Attempt To Describe My Bipolar Disorder

rage

I’ve written before that when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder I wanted a second opinion. I got that second evaluation and opinion and it was the same except worse. They added “with psychotic features” to it. The “psychotic features” doesn’t mean like the movie Psycho. It just means that I’ve had times in the past where I’ve experienced auditory and visual hallucinations. I only remember one visual hallucination and even though I know it was a hallucination, the memory of what I saw seems as real as any of the other things I’ve seen that are real. That’s how powerful a hallucination can be. It occurred during a time of extreme distress in which different prescription drugs were being thrown at me. I think it was the drugs since I’ve not experienced any sort of hallucination since. The label/stigma aside, the two worst things about this disorder in my

Then There Was Silence

only silence

I’ve been thinking a lot about my aunt lately. The one I mentioned here. The one I watched die. She was a lifesaver for me during a period of my life in which I was getting into a lot of trouble. She took me to her farm and things rapidly got better for me. I wish I could talk with her now. I could use her advice right now. Out of all the people in my family… parents, sibling, uncles, aunts, grandparents… only she and my grandfather “got” me. Only they understood me. I could talk to them. I could tell them about things going on in my life without worry of getting a condescending lecture, judgmental looks, or simply walking out on me. When someone like that is no longer around when they’ve helped so much with their wisdom it truly leaves a void.
Then There Was Silence
I, along with

Lessons Learned From Hesitation

Never Hesitate

Every single time I’ve hesitated to act on an instinct or strong feeling to either do something or avoid doing something it turned out to be a disaster. All throughout my life it’s been that way. When I was younger, much of the hesitating to act stemmed directly from a misguided desire to make my parents proud of me. I’ve always wondered if that trait, to want to gain the approval of parents, is hardwired into us. If so, it’s clearly a major blunder of evolution. Especially when the parents and offspring couldn’t possibly be any different. Adding to that the fact that I’ve always been the “black sheep” of the family, the “ne’er-do-right”, and it’s little wonder that even when I did try to do something I thought would make the family proud it still turned out to be a complete disaster… mostly for me. Because I was acting

Collecting Dust

collecting dust

While I’m stuck here in Texas for a at least another month I thought I’d go through everything I’ve gathered and kept during my 51 years thus far. It’s surprisingly little. Most of it is from the 80s, things I had bought, been awarded, and in one case given to me. The item that was given to me is from the 70s and it was one of my great-grandmothers who have it to me. All of them just collecting dust. Anyway, I went through it and decided to give it away. I have three sons and wanted to divide the stuff up among them. As I’ve mentioned it’s not much, but I’ve kept them because each item has deep meaning to me. To my surprise (and I admit it was a little painful too) they didn’t want any of it. I was asked over and over again why I wanted

Bipolar Disorder, Texas, and New Mexico

Bipolar

Being in New Mexico is healing for me, and healing is something I need. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder for the second time recently (I wanted a second opinion). As I type this out I’m not in a good place. To make matters worse in a most literal sense, I’ve had to come back to Texas. Texas always makes things worse for me. The confrontational/adversarial attitude of Texas cops, the oppressive heat and humidity, tornadoes, hail larger than your open hand… the list is almost endless. So why do I keep coming back to a place such as Texas? Family. ALL of my family reside in Texas. The reason they stay in such a place is beyond my comprehension but they do.
I don’t know if it’s my shrink or the drugs I’ve been put on but I just can’t seem to get any help when I’m like this. I

The Truth May Set You Free, But It Can Break Your Heart Too

Betrayal

I recently learned, in the most painful of ways, to be wary of recording devices such as a helmet camera that have been acting buggy. My helmet cam has for some time been turning on with movement, wasting both battery and space on memory. Other times, when I try to turn it on it won’t turn on. Recently I stopped by to visit some people who were very dear to me. I not only loved them but trusted them… something that does not come easily for me. When I arrived I removed all my riding gear, including the helmet with the camera just mentioned. When I set it down on a piece of furniture the camera evidently turned itself on again. I had even checked it to make sure it wasn’t on and I didn’t see the little blinking light that indicates it is recording. But it was. We talked

Pagan Fundamentalism

Pagan Fundamentalism

Regardless of religion, worldview, or geography all people share some common traits. Things like loving and caring for our children, desiring happiness and health over misery and illness and so on and so on. I pick on Christianity and its adherents a lot in my books as you can see here and here… it’s what I do. But Christianity certainly doesn’t have a monopoly on self-righteousness, dogmatism, ‘they are wrong, we are right’ attitudes and other such unpleasantries. Those same unpleasantries, the same fundamentalism, are alive and well in the Pagan communities as well and they are just as off-putting and ugly as they are within the Christian crowds. In fact, in some cases the only difference between the way those with a fundamentalist, or elitist, attitude and the Christians they love to deride is the theology because the attitudes of both parties are the same.
I’m not singling out one

Exorcism of an Atheist

Atheist Exorcism

I’ve been busy lately finishing a book I began writing some time ago. It’s actually a short book so it wasn’t the word-count that took so long but rather the topic. It’s about an incident that changed me on some very fundamental levels. Changed the way I interact with strangers and left me seemingly with a complete inability to escape my hypervigilance for longer than a few consecutive moments. So while it isn’t a long book, it wasn’t particularly easy to write because of the memories it brought back and because it isn’t easy to write, for all the world to read, of a time when you were so utterly helpless and vulnerable. It’s called Exorcism of an Atheist and that’s exactly what it was… an exorcism of an atheist. That atheist was me.
Exorcisms Are Bullsh*t and Dangerous
Don’t get me wrong and think that I believe exorcisms do anything at

Samsung Galaxy S8+ Review

Screenshot_S8+

My last two phones have been from HTC and I loved them, no complaints at all. The phone before that was an iPhone and I couldn’t wait to get rid of it, I’ll never go back to an Apple product again. Now I have the new Samsung Galaxy S8+ and it is a beautiful (and large) phone. I’ve had it less than a month and am still learning the little tricks unique to it just like every other phone has their little tricks. I have to say that so far I love this phone. It’s not only the highly-touted screen, which by the way is amazing, it’s also the camera. This phone produces incredible photographs and you can see a few I’ve taken at the end of this post.
Don’t Drop The Samsung Galaxy S8+
As I stated, I’ve had the phone less than a month and yet already dropped it. No

Denton, Texas

Denton Texas Square and Courthouse

There is a place in Texas that I can actually say I like. It’s Denton. It’s as if someone took the spirit of Santa Fe, NM and plopped it into one area of Texas. Of course Denton doesn’t have Santa Fe’s architecture, history, or climate but it most definitely rocks. There is always something to do or see in Denton. The locals even have a hashtag and name for enjoying the many things Denton has to offer. It’s #Dentoning. Nice, huh?! I kinda like it.
Something For Everyone In Denton
Denton has something for everyone! It’s a college town (two colleges actually, North Texas and Texas Women’s University) so there is of course a wide variety of places geared specifically for college aged people. That doesn’t mean, however, that those of us somewhat older are left out in the cold (or heat and tornadoes, rather, since Denton is in Texas). On the