It’s truly astounding just how quickly everything can become truly and utterly fucked up. If anyone is still reading this blog, they’ll have noticed that this is my first post in a very long time. At least it seems like a long time. Like ages. A lot has happened between the last post and this one and I’m trying to think of one part of it all that was good. I’m still alive so that’s good… I suppose. Anyway, I’ve been in what is called “crisis”. I’ve been doing everything I can to stay out of the fucking hospital where they put people that they simply don’t know what to do with. I’ve known people that have gone into those hospitals and I can say from personal observation and stories from those that have been in there that (a.) they don’t help anyone, much less “cure” them and (b.) people
I’ve written before that when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder I wanted a second opinion. I got that second evaluation and opinion and it was the same except worse. They added “with psychotic features” to it. The “psychotic features” doesn’t mean like the movie Psycho. It just means that I’ve had times in the past where I’ve experienced auditory and visual hallucinations. I only remember one visual hallucination and even though I know it was a hallucination, the memory of what I saw seems as real as any of the other things I’ve seen that are real. That’s how powerful a hallucination can be. It occurred during a time of extreme distress in which different prescription drugs were being thrown at me. I think it was the drugs since I’ve not experienced any sort of hallucination since. The label/stigma aside, the two worst things about this disorder in my
Every single time I’ve hesitated to act on an instinct or strong feeling to either do something or avoid doing something it turned out to be a disaster. All throughout my life it’s been that way. When I was younger, much of the hesitating to act stemmed directly from a misguided desire to make my parents proud of me. I’ve always wondered if that trait, to want to gain the approval of parents, is hardwired into us. If so, it’s clearly a major blunder of evolution. Especially when the parents and offspring couldn’t possibly be any different. Adding to that the fact that I’ve always been the “black sheep” of the family, the “ne’er-do-right”, and it’s little wonder that even when I did try to do something I thought would make the family proud it still turned out to be a complete disaster… mostly for me. Because I was acting
While I’m stuck here in Texas for a at least another month I thought I’d go through everything I’ve gathered and kept during my 51 years thus far. It’s surprisingly little. Most of it is from the 80s, things I had bought, been awarded, and in one case given to me. The item that was given to me is from the 70s and it was one of my great-grandmothers who have it to me. All of them just collecting dust. Anyway, I went through it and decided to give it away. I have three sons and wanted to divide the stuff up among them. As I’ve mentioned it’s not much, but I’ve kept them because each item has deep meaning to me. To my surprise (and I admit it was a little painful too) they didn’t want any of it. I was asked over and over again why I wanted
If you’re wanting or already beginning a career in counseling (as in therapist, counselor, psychiatrist, psychologist, etc) please examine yourself first as well as your motivations. If you can’t find even basic compassion within yourself for individuals who do not fit into your personal idea of what a “good” person should be, such as sharing your personal religious views, political views, views regarding social norms,… basically your own personal worldview then please choose another career. Seriously. For the best interest of everyone involved, if you can’t find compassion within yourself for those who hold vastly different views than yourself, you have no business in the mental health field.
A Very Bad Experience
I say this because of a recent experience with a “counselor”. When you feel worse about things after the session than you did before it and that bad feeling and low mood persists for days because of the session then
Sometimes life just slaps you right in the face and before you can even figure that out it kicks you in the teeth. Because of a doctor’s carelessness and negligence my aunt is on life support. The doctor is in serious trouble with the hospital but even worse trouble when my cousins slap him with a lawsuit filled with multiple complaints. But his life will go on. My aunt on the other hand, well, it’s not looking very promising. Then a few days ago another cousin was rushed to the ER with suspected meningitis. She went into septic shock and actually survived that with the help of some extremely talented and knowledgeable doctors and nurses. She is still in the hospital and doctors are still calling her “septic” but she is showing signs of improvement. Meningitis tests came back negative but the septicemia is/was serious enough by far.
Both of these
I am frequently reminded, and astounded, of and by the power of the mind. In some of my posts I’ve touched on this subject, but not too much because it’s something that isn’t easy to post for the entire world to read. Stress and anxiety. It is truly astounding how devastating these things are. Especially for someone with any type of anxiety disorder, whether that be OCD, GAD, Panic Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, or any other. When these things get out of control one becomes paralyzed with the all-consuming dread and extremely intense fear or even full out panic attacks. You simply can’t function. If you don’t have a way to control it it only gets worse, not better.
I’ve been dealing with this for the last month and it has been hell. Although usually always present to some degree or another I usually have it under control. But sometimes
Ever had one of those really profound “Aha!” moments? A moment of such clarity that it simply smashes through all the mundane and exact duplicate days before it? I recently had such a moment. It was so many things simultaneously… shock, anger, surprise, and a completely new determination and strength of will. The shock was from suddenly seeing so clearly why I am where I am right now. All the decisions based completely and utterly on trying to please other people. Every decision, all of them, based on only the desire to keep the peace and not mess with the status quo. The anger came from that realization. That the reason I’ve been through all the shit I’ve been through is because for all these years I didn’t have the balls to actually do what is necessary to actually improve my life because that would mean destroying the status quo,
Lesson learned. Don’t allow stress to overwhelm you. After almost three weeks of not knowing what was going on with me, feeling unwell, feeling tired and weak, unable to sleep well (or at all some nights), appetite changes, palpitations and so on I’m now finally feeling better and have an understanding of what had happened to me. I was completely overwhelmed by stress to the point that it was making me physically ill. I even went for a ride today after almost three weeks out of the saddle. It was amazing and reminded me of all the reasons I ride a motorcycle and don’t even own a car.
I am fortunate in that I am able to work from home, but even with that I wasn’t able to get much done. I also managed to write a few posts to this blog, but the whole experience was terrible. A silver lining,
Being torn apart from the inside. The darkest state of existence. Feeling drained, empty, and void. Not just looking into but actually falling into the abyss. Beyond sad. All these and many more are apt descriptions of clinical depression, or major depressive disorder. All, or almost all, joy found in life vanishes. Often the absolute hell of anxiety and/or panic attacks sets in. It becomes impossible to function normally. It can take a monumental effort of sheer will to simply get out of bed. It feels like you are constantly moving through an invisible thick molasses both mentally and physically. At other times your mind is racing so fast because of anxiety that analytical, coherent thought processes are washed away in a tsunami of fear/panic. You become aware of literally every sensation regarding your body and often zero in on one, such as your heart or a pain somewhere and