I’m 51 years old and I’ve been noticing a dramatic change in my thinking of late. I have become obsessed with how I want to spend the rest of my life, I find regret haunting me relentlessly, and my priorities have definitely changed. I don’t think it’s a midlife crisis for two reasons… the first being it’s a little late for that and the second being that I don’t find myself wanting to buy a fancy new car or wishing for a younger woman. I simply want to make some changes in my life that will make me a happier and better person. Finding a way back to New Mexico and staying there is my priority. As for the regret that has been relentlessly haunting me, well, there’s nothing to be done about that. On the minuscule and incredibly remote chance that the person involved in that particular regret ever reads this I can only say this: Jeg savner deg, TLM, og jeg beklager eventuelle smerter jeg har forårsaket deg. Jeg tok feil beslutning og jeg angre på det. Jeg skulle ønske jeg kunne snakke med deg igjen, men jeg har ikke sett deg i over 30 år, så jeg har ingen grunn til å forvente at jeg noen gang vil se deg igjen. For min kjennskap har du ikke prøvd å kontakte meg siden vi sa farvel alle de årene siden, og jeg kan bare ta det som betyr at du ikke vil snakke med meg. Jeg respekterer det. Jeg håper du er glad og sunn, og jeg ønsker deg alt godt. Jeg elsker deg fortsatt.
As for my priorities changing I find myself less and less interested in chasing things that will not add to/increase my well-being and happiness. I used to enjoy engaging in debates with zealous religious wackos but I’m no longer interested in that sort of thing because it’s futile. I’m more interested in eating healthier, getting/staying in shape, being surrounded by the mountains and all the incredible beauty they hold. I want to spend more time on my Vulcan S riding in and around all those mountains and breathing that fresh, clean, pine-scented air. Getting away from the tornadoes, open-hand-sized hail, oppressive heat and humidity of Texas would go a long way toward healing my body, mind, and spirit.
But then there is the problem of money. I don’t like chasing money and I have no interest in clocking into a job that is soul crushing and so boring as to be mind-numbing only to receive minimum wage. I’ve done that before and I think I’ll just stick to what I’m doing now. Pay is not as regular (as in every two weeks no matter what) but it’s much better for me. I just need to figure out where I’m going to sleep and eat without buying a house or renting a mice infested place in New Mexico. That’s really all that’s holding me back. If I had a place to stay lined up I would literally leave for New Mexico first thing in the morning, leave Texas behind for good, and never look back. This isn’t simply something I just want… it’s something I need.